12 years ago, at this time, it was still just me

12 years ago today, at this time I was in being poked, prodded, monitored and medicated. I was induced into a labour that never progressed into anything further than a crap load of pain that made even my hair hurt. I even had the joy of passing kidney stones at the same time, (more about that later), and throwing every maternity ward nurse into a tizzy because they knew how to deliver babies not kidney stones. 12 years ago today, at this time, I kept straining over my nurse's head to watch a new type of reality game show called "Survivor" to keep my mind off my fear of how my life was going to change forever. And laying there thanking God for the invention of epidurals and morphine (for the kidney stones). 12 years ago today, at this time, facebook was not on my mind, (I am pretty certain it wasn't even on Mark Zuckerberg's either). What was on my mind was "was it going to be a boy or a girl?", and "Please God, let my baby be healthy despite what the medical texts say". Infection and fever was setting in on me. And the doctor could only imagine that my baby had the same thing going on with him/her. 12 years ago today, at this time the doctor told us we'll have to do a ceasarian in the morning. She didn't really specify a time, but we figured sometime after she'd had a good night's sleep. So my sister, who had been waiting so patiently all day to see her first niece/nephew arrive, went home to get some sleep and return in the morning... To be continued in a few hours :D But, before I go... For those of you ladies who have never experienced kidney stones but have been in labour... When a man tells you kidney stones hurt. Believe him and don't come back with "Oh ya? Suck it up! Try labour pains!" Because I can say, without a doubt, from the experience of having both AT THE SAME TIME, kidney stones hurt MORE!!! Cut the guy some slack and take him to the hospital. It's even worse for men. He needs morphine. LOTS OF IT! I'm back :D 36 minutes ago · Like Cheri Koschir 12 years ago today, at this time, it was still just me. But only for a few moments longer. The final moments, strapped to an operating table all 250lbs of pregnant me and my baby. Fear, excitement and anticipation wrapped me like a blanket while the doctors and nurses worked through what was just another day to them. It was actually the beginning of a new day for everyone. But it was the beginning of a new life for two of us. Me and my baby. The doctor changed her mind and decided not to sleep but instead to make a sleepy, crooked incision across my abdomen and change my life forever. 32 minutes ago · Like Cheri Koschir 12 years ago today, at this time, I no longer felt the labour pains. I no longer was passing a kidney stone that felt like a jagged boulder ripping through my body. What I felt was the surgical instruments cutting through the chemically numbed muscles of my uterus and heard the unimportant chatter of the hospital staff. Talks of plans to Disney World and what not. Nothing I really cared about too much in the moment. I missed my sister and wished she were there for all of what I was thinking. 28 minutes ago · Like Cheri Koschir 12 years ago today, at this time, I felt the tugging and pushing and pulling of the tiny little body that fluttered, then kicked and turned and rolled inside my body. The little alien being I had been reponsible for for so long, without ever seeing its eyes. A love that grew and multiplied and ripened until that moment. And exploded out into this world with screams and cries. And in that moment, at 1:34 am, my son was born! Covered with gunk and goo. And in that moment, 12 years ago today, at this time, I looked into his age old eyes and I knew. I finally knew what it meant to love someone so much I was willing to kill or die for him. In that moment, he introduced me to the most powerfull emotion there ever was. He gave me the gift of what every first born child gives. He was the first to give me the gift of knowing the power of love. He gave me the gift of being his mother. 12 years ago today, at this time, I touched the softest skin and looked into the oldest eyes I had ever seen of my first born son, Julian, and fell in love with the tiniest, most powerfull person in my life. He gave me the most beautifull gift there can ever be. One that I do not take lightly or for granted. A gift that was always wanted by my sister, and by so many others, but was never given. Thank you Julian for the 12 years of the love and joy you have given me. 12 years ago today, at this time, you changed my life from it being just me, to forever being US. And gave me courage to keep it growing to more than I had every expected ir deserved and now have been given the gift of three voices calling out to me... "Mommy" Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy! You deserve so much more in return for the gift of motherhood you have given me, but I hope my words in this note will do for now. I love you!

Therapy

My name is Cheri Koschir. And this is my story. Cheri is French for beloved And Koschir is pheonetically translated from Jewish as "blessed by a rabbi" so I was once told. It was what I had believed until only moments ago. Google - Dictionary Your search - requirements to be kosher - did not match any documents. Reset search tools Suggestions: Make sure all words are spelled correctly. Try different keywords. Try more general keywords. Try fewer keywords. Wikipedia kosher has become English vernacular, a colloquialism meaning proper, legitimate, genuine, fair, or acceptable I believed what you are called, is what you are. I was one hell of a teenager, with very few teachers or guides. I was judged for crimes I didn't do. And had no help when I really needed it. I was a mess. But I somehow survived. I really haven't got a clue as to how this happened. By the grace of God, some would say. To be able to teach from it, others would also say. I learned the hard way, there is meaning in life. And, there is purpose. Growing up with a name like Cheri Koschir was pretty freaking tough. How does one live up to a name like that?! It's like eating an elephant one bite at a time. But that is what life is about. For anyone. I have worked at many jobs in my life. I think I am doing my favourite one right now. To be a Realtor. And to be a writer. Because with both, you get to experience the most amazing people. And observe the beauty of who we are. Today, for instance, I was able to witness two people sharing a very caring moment, despite the fact that they no longer have a weak relationship, but a strong friendship. I saw two people who grew apart, but somehow found themselves still in eachother's hearts. I am blessed with many moments in my days. I am blessed with being able to help people move on to the next stage of their life. I am blessed to watch my children grow up and be apart of their daily lives. I am blessed with being able to talk to both of my parents and walk with them on their journeys. I am blessed to have a man who cares for me and makes me laugh much more than cry. And he can ring a bell like no other :D My journey hasn't been the easiest. But I chose it to be so. I am responsible for my choices. And I am responsible for making the changes that needed to be made. It was hard work. However the rewards are worth it. CAMH The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. DBT Dialectical Behavior Therapy Marsha Linehan The woman I am so very greatfull to for taking her challenges and turning them into her victories. So that I may do the same. Google her. She's very interesting. And has helped so many. I would like to eat a few more bites off the elephant. Not that I condone eating elephants. I am talking hypothetically here, PETA. I have always wanted to volunteer my time somewhere. I value my time very much now. Since my sister's death. And even before that when I was diagnosed with cancer. It is the only thing we can never get back. Including the 13 months I needed to get help to change my life. That time will never come back. I have the rest of my life to make up for not talking to my sister during that time. But now I give my time to Heart House Hospice.

Dear God, Please have it so that I win the Lotto/Max jackpot tonight. You have seen me fit enough to be blessed with my beautifull, healthy (and sometimes a little too smart) children. Can you now see to it that I can afford the little buggers too? Thank you for being such a great listener all these years, but I think it might be time to lend a little extra help. Thank you for any help you could send my way. I really appreciate it. Thanks! Cheri (Heidi's Sister)
Please tell my sister Heidi that I say hi. And tell her that I miss her so much. We all do. Tell her I am doing the best I can around here. But, I am not her and never had the energy like she always had. Anyways, I am sure she knows everything going on down here. And I am sure you have her pretty busy up there with you. I can't imagine you got her to be with you for any other reason than for something really important. Let her know that I tell the kids about her as much as I can so that they will always remember her even though the little ones didn't really know her love well. I am sorry. I gotta go. I can't see the screen anymore for crying so much over her. You know what to tell her. Afterall, you are The All-knowing. Please? Thank You!

The Want to Write Overwhelms Me

The time to write eludes me.